All Ahead Full... And Punt!

I have this sinking feeling that my FF season will soon be over. It might have been about the time last week that I picked up both Patrick Cobbs, Michael Bush and Kolby Smith off the who-gives-a-fuck wires in the hopes that one of those bastards might be starting last week. End result? Two points combined. For all 3. Fuckin-A! When you're going against the league's #1 team, that just doesn't get the job done.

How can the guy who drafted 4 RB in the first 4 rounds this year not have anyone to start at RB? Well, #1 pick Marshawn Lynch is still plugging away at his 15 points a game like a true champ, but he's hauling a heavy load on his coattails. Round 2 selection Mr. Kim Kardashian is currently on his 17th knee surgery, and I'm just waiting to hear about his staph infection. Selection 3 was Pimp Slap Larry Johnson who's too busy beating down and spitting on bitches to play football, and 4th round selection Laurence Maroney is on the IR. Fan-fucking-tastic. So who is getting a steady dose of Kolby Swiss n Chedda this week?

That would be Bess. Looks like I'm gonna have to try and Pimp Slap her Larry Johnson style with my limp dick of a team. Unlike Larry, I'm going to at least take her out for dinner on Saturday night first...

Playoffs???

Let's take a quick look at the current playoff picture. Barring nuclear holocaust (breathe deeply in the shower, Joel), it looks like Cock-a-roach Rob will survive to take the #1 spot. Chad and Bryan look to be duking it out for 2nd and 3rd seeds. I'm next at 5-3, but I'm looking at an impressive 7 game skid to finish out 5-8 and miss the playoffs by a mile. Mike and Tom would be next in line then at 4-4 to dance into 4th and 5th, and that leaves just one of you four 3-5 douches to claim the last playoff spot. Hmmm, maybe I can sneak into that sixth playoff spot after all if I can just go 3-2 these last 3 weeks. Might be able to do it - combined record of everyone else I have to play not named Rob is 11-21 this year. Who am I kidding? Capn' EJ Smith, out...

In the Beginning

Ahhh, yes, it's my favorite week of the year - the week that I get to face the Dark Lord of the Underworld himself (or as I like to call him, 'Daddy'). This year, it's going to be a key battle - The Dark Lord (aka "That One") is sitting atop the Bad Division at 4-2 and The Chosen One is clinging desperately to the top of the Phuqa Division at 5-1.

I enjoyed immensely that you've started two players against your defense Chad. That may be the only thing I have going for me this week, since 90% of my team is here in the infirmary with me. You've started Big Ben against me, which means I must watch the Steelers game today and try to hope that we score a lot without it being Ben. Invariably, there will be a flurry of "Yes!" with each touchdown, followed quickly by a "Fuck, that's against me!" I also love that we both have such powerhouse WRs - all I can say is thank god return yards count.

In the end, I'm pretty sure Chad will get the best of me - Reggie is hurt and my new hero Steve Breaston (even though he is undoubtedly a Michigan faggot) is off this week, which means my chance of winning will come down solely to my defenses - either the Patriots against Denver (they've scored a whopping 3 fantasy points in their last 2 games against shitty teams like Miami) or the Sex Panthers against run n' shoot masters New Orleans who usually put up about 42 points a game. Great. Nice vic, Chad.

WWST Game of the Week: Guessy Bessie's Beverly Hills Bimbos (1-5) vs. Bullett for My Commissioner (2-4). In the battle of Christ, I Can't Watch, realize first that someone here must win. But who's it gonna be? Looking at these rosters, it's hard to figure out why each team doesn't have at least one or two more wins each. Bess has lost 4 games by 10 points or less, and two of those by just a single point. JEWnior lost four in a row sandwiched between his two victories, and despite scoring just fine himself those weeks, he ran into teams that scored 197, 180 and 201 in three of those weeks. Ouch. Both of these bad luck banditas could be better than they are, but they're not, and for one, the bad luck will continue. Looking at the lineups, I think it comes down to the defenses and QBs - Peyton vs. Brad Johnson and the Giants at home vs the Jets in the Black Hole. Gotta go with Bess on this one.

St. Reggie

Big changes in the WWST after Week 5,and it starts with a new team at the top in our Power Rankings. That team is And Punt, fueled by St. Reggie going dog nuts on Monday Night Football last night to the tune of 73 points en route to our first 200+ point performance in 2008. The win propelled Chosen to the top of the Power Poll, at least temporarily, but as out beat reporter Bootney Lee Farnsworth reports, he may not stay there.

"Chosen's got a tough matchup against the Bald Beaver's this week. This is no walk in the park for the veteran, especially given that his whole motherfucking team is off this week and he'll be starting the B team. Look for And Punt to drop from the top next week." Sure doesn't talk like a pimp, does he?

But Chosen is not the only team in the league, and is certainly not the best - here's some other interesting story lines from the week that was:

Bitchin Bessie - All I know is that Bess came to bed bitching about Bernard Berrian not doing shit for her. That must have motivated him to wake up and do some shit because he caught a TD after that, then paid Bess back for her lack of faith by causing her to lose by 1 to the Moosels.

Lucky Pierre - In the other game too damn close to call, Tom eeked out a win over Nalley by just 2 points behind Pierre Thomas, Devrey Henderson and Viante Shiancoe. Tell me Tom, how many of those fuckers did you DRAFT this year? Waiver wire king, right there.

Please Do Not Repeat This... How far the Champ has fallen! Now down to 2-3 after a 171-109 throttling from Chad. He's also got 2 games against scoring juggernaut Rob and one game against 4-1 Bryan's Bald Beavers left in the schedule. The road looks rough for the champ.

The First Cut is the Deepest - The Violent J Neck Cutlers, who looked all but unbeatable going into Week 5 suffered their first loss this week to the Bald Beavers. Okay, so 90% of his team was off. I gues sthis really isn't much of a story. He'll be back next week to lay waste to Bess.

WWST Game of the Week: And Punt (4-1) vs. Bryan's Bald Beavers (4-1)

At first, this game looks like a proverbial clash of the Titans, with two 4-1 teams vying for league dominance. Upon closer examination, though, you'll quickly find that Chosen's workhorses are in the garage this week (Marshawn, LJ, Miller, Reed). Then you look at Bryan's weak ass shit, and see that he's won two games by only a point, and that no team has scored more than 118 points against him this year (and that team won, by the way). He is scoring kryptonite apparently for his opponents. This will be a low scoring "defensive" battle with the winner barely holding on to keep pace with Rob and the loser starting to slip toward oblivion. Commish's Pick - Bald Beavers 117, And Punt 103