Week 4 Roundup

Head on a Swivel

Hey Anquan Boldin, look the fuck out. In the immortal words of Smokey from Friday, 'You got knocked the fuck out!"

Damn, I thought they were good

Green Bay? Not so much. Too bad Rodgers is a pansy. Dallas? Nah, we'll lay down like bitches for a divisional game at home. Denver? Made another busted ass RB look like a hero. Philly? Not when Westbrook is pussin' out. Jaguars? Well, not too bad, but we'll sure fuck up your parlay if you count on us to cover at home versus an 0-3 team.

My Season is Made

I don't know how the fuck I did it, but somehow I managed to beat Mike this week. It wasn't a Miracle, since St. Reggie only gimped up 3 measley points this week, so it must have been something else. Steve MF Breaston - my hero. Marshawn, big letdown.

Transactions - More Than Meets the Eye

The "Holy Fuck, My Team Sucks" blues are setting in in the WWST - this week has seen a bevy of half-ass motherfuckers scrambling over the scraps of each other in a desperate attempt to try and fashion some scoring out of their trash heap teams. Case in point - not more than 5 minutes after Brian "IR" Westbrook hit the deck during the Steelers game, there were two requests within 3 minutes of each other for Correl Buckhalter. Correll should change his name to Chum.

That fuster cluck was followed by the Rashard Mendenhal and Brian Griese lottery today - three teams laying claim to Captain Fumble-itis ("I got the itis!") with Bess finally winning out on her 1-2 record, and two teams scrapping over Brian "I'm pretty sure I don't have a drinking problem even though I'm a Michigan piece of shit" Griese - again Bess putting her pathetic record on the line to lay claim to another dumpster remnant.

This dance toward desperation looks a lot like Warren Sapp on Dancing With the Stars - a whole lot of ugly trying to look pretty, and just might make it (although I won't be happy until I see the Beyonce dance again). For the benefit of all, here's the rehash on rules for transactions:

1. First 3 transactions are free, after that they're a dollar a piece. The super bowl winner gets all of the proceeds.
2. Friday night at midnight is the last point in time you can get a transaction in for that week. After midnight, the transaction will not be processed until the following week.
3. Transactions are processed as follows: It's pretty much first come, first serve and transactions are processed daily. In the case of two mo's going after the same piece of taint crustie in the same day, the team with the shittier record gets preference (came in Handy for Bess this week). If the teams going after said crustie have the same record, then the person who laid claim to the crustie first would win out. In the extremely unlikely event that the teams would have requested the t-crustie at the exact same time, then the Commish would use the next available tiebreaker, which would be total points for. If THAT were tied, I would just reject both requests and let the mele for the piece of shit ensue until one of the above tiebreakers produced a winner. Trust me, by this time, unless someone dropped LT, you should have given up on this fucker anyway, so what do you care?

That's it, bastards. Live and learn. If this shit's too tough for you, I suggest making a trade for someone who might actually be of value to you. Peace.

Suck-o-tash

Well, ain't that a kick in the jizzers. Could today have sucked any worse? First of all, I have to watch my Steelers offensive line set the bar way way below the St. Louis Rams in terms of untouchable shittitude by giving up 9 (only 9? seriously? I think I could have counted 20) sacks to the Eagles en route to a humiliating 12-6 loss which not only cost me my pride, but also my parlay. There can be no end to the gayness after that, right?

Wrong. How about if the Patriots defense pitches a shutout - on THEMSELVES - by recording a giant goose egg on their way to a 38-13 drubbing by the (WHO?) Dolphins. Yeah, saw that one coming. If only I was David Blaine, I would have known to start the sex Panthers against Minnehaha so I could have collected 19 points instead of my 0 and at least stood a chance against the Brownie ass-whuppin (who by the way was averaging only 91 points a game before this weekend, but who decided to post a 163-piece (and counting) on my ass this week. Thanks for that.

But I'm not the only unfortunate (stupid) one. Lety's examine a few people who'd like to make a Monday morning lineup change...

The Only Good Brown - How could Todd have known that Ronnie Brown would run for 4 TD and throw one on his way to a fantasy owner's dream 62 points this week? As an honorable mention on your own team, consider staring K2 for 1 point instead of Mad T Anthony Faisano for 15. Butta!

Lucky Pierre - Tom claimed Lucky Pierre Thomas off of free agency this week only to leave his backup ass (and his double deuce [no, not that Deuce]) on the bench.

Genesis 4 Says, "I Just Fucked Up" - Who would want the Iggles D and their ass-shattering 9 sacks, 2 fumble recoveries, interception, 6 points against, and oh yes, safety too? Not Chad - he still got 45 from the Vikes. Anyone wanna trade this guy for some D (um, like me)? Why start Steve Slaton for 17 when you can start Westbrookinjury.com for 1 or DeAngelo for 3? And finally, let's keep Jamarcus on the bench for 31 and start Big Ben Sackathon for 6. Now way he could have won with these dumb ass moves, right? Hey, he's playing Nalley.

Sit (on my) Johnson
Remember that dude in Cincy named Rudi Johnson? He used to be halfway decent, then he got all cocky and left that team never to be heard from again. Um, check again - he's the star of Heather's bench at 30 points this week. Doh!

Say My Name, Bitch
Just because you can't say his name Scott, doesn't mean you shouldn't start his happy ass. TJ Houzamazilly for 23 chronic flakes on that ass. For another kick in the dick, bench Josh Scobee's 18 in favor of Vinitieri's 3. Sweet.

Championshit
How the fuck can you win 17 straight championships and do dumb shit like leave Johnny Lee Higgins on the bench for 32, when Andre Johnson can muster up just 30 less points? Or start Jay and Silent Bob director Kevin Smith for 1 point instead of collecting Jerious "Don't call me OJ" Norwood's 14?

See, now I feel better - as piss poor as today was, at least I'm not the only one who struggled with making a damn decision this week. Only thing I have going for me - St. Reggie - another 38 this week and LJ actually showed up with 100+ and a TD. Look the fuck out world...

Possible Names for Joel'sTeam

Jews Newton
He-brew Crew
JEWdas Kiss
JEWmanji
JEWpiter
JEWcy
Big Fuckin Nose
JEWniper Breeze
JEWbilee
Hebe-y Jeebees
Swasticunts

Week 3 in the WWST

Jesus H Christ in a fruit basket, what the fuck is this shit? The WWST is going public with out shennanigans? I mean, it's one thing to keep our obscenity just for us, but to drop it on mainstream America, that is just AFU.

First things first, Chad, this is not a goddamn newsletter, no matter how much you want it to be. I don't have time to write that shit, but I at least can make some commentary on how things are going. Let's take a look at the WWST landscape:

Bad Division
Clearly, Todd is the bad ass in the Bad Division with his 2-0 representin'. Run DMC, AP and now Tim "Don't Call Me Michael Winslow" Hightower fill out his stable of horses plus the Packers D and Drew Brees is back. Look the hell out. JEWnior and Chad - couple of also-rans. Chad has too many fucking Bears on his team to even be a legitimate threat and JEWnior's got Tony Homo Can't Win But Would Like to Suck the Big One. Renaming Joel's team JEWdas Kiss. And then there's my opponent this week, Brownie, who is currently 0-2, but at least he can say, hey, I didn't draft these goddamn losers. Good chance he'll show up to stomp me this week.

Mutha Division
Beavers look good at 2-0 right now, but don't ask me how. Hmmm, who should I start this week - Matt Cassel or Jake Delhomme. I know, I'll start sucking lead if that's my fucking choice. Some of this team might have been good 5 years ago. Tom can put a decent lineup in there week to week, but may start feeling pain in bye weeks when he has to go to the no-name bench. And RBs? Faggeddaboutit - kick returners again. Bess blew up for a buck fitty last week, but not sure that's sustainable week-to-week, however with Pey Pey on the roster, it's usually a spot of 40+ every week (after week 2 and before week 15 that is). And then there's Nalley - 138 points in 2 games. Poor bastard. And he's not even guaranteed to get the #1 pick next year given our new draft rules. Damn.

Phuqa Division
These guys are the warlords, but like the NFC East, will probably end up eating their young. Chosen is 2-0, but combined record of opponents is 1-3 and is playing another 0-2 team this week. Pretenda. Rob looks to be unbeatable and is a legit contender to run the table this year. No way a rash of injuries is gonna fuck all that up. No way. Perennial contender Mike is 1-1, and looks to have a strong team again this year. Just start kicking yourself now people, this fucker could win it all for the 14th straight year. And then there's Scott - Aaron Rodgers is playing lights out and you're still 0-2. It's gonna be a LONG year, brother,

That's what it looks like out there after two weeks. If I had to predict it now, I'd say here are your playoff teams:

Rob - Division winner, at least 11-2, #1 in power poll
Mike - Second in his division, but a formidable opponent
Todd - Great looking team, no less than 9-4
Tom - More lucky shit like Felix Jones' run back will propel him to 8-5
Me - 7-6 gimp, first round fodder
Bryan - Will win division at 6-7, earning new nickname of "Ron Jr."

Yeah, like I can predict this shit. More later