Suck-o-tash

Well, ain't that a kick in the jizzers. Could today have sucked any worse? First of all, I have to watch my Steelers offensive line set the bar way way below the St. Louis Rams in terms of untouchable shittitude by giving up 9 (only 9? seriously? I think I could have counted 20) sacks to the Eagles en route to a humiliating 12-6 loss which not only cost me my pride, but also my parlay. There can be no end to the gayness after that, right?

Wrong. How about if the Patriots defense pitches a shutout - on THEMSELVES - by recording a giant goose egg on their way to a 38-13 drubbing by the (WHO?) Dolphins. Yeah, saw that one coming. If only I was David Blaine, I would have known to start the sex Panthers against Minnehaha so I could have collected 19 points instead of my 0 and at least stood a chance against the Brownie ass-whuppin (who by the way was averaging only 91 points a game before this weekend, but who decided to post a 163-piece (and counting) on my ass this week. Thanks for that.

But I'm not the only unfortunate (stupid) one. Lety's examine a few people who'd like to make a Monday morning lineup change...

The Only Good Brown - How could Todd have known that Ronnie Brown would run for 4 TD and throw one on his way to a fantasy owner's dream 62 points this week? As an honorable mention on your own team, consider staring K2 for 1 point instead of Mad T Anthony Faisano for 15. Butta!

Lucky Pierre - Tom claimed Lucky Pierre Thomas off of free agency this week only to leave his backup ass (and his double deuce [no, not that Deuce]) on the bench.

Genesis 4 Says, "I Just Fucked Up" - Who would want the Iggles D and their ass-shattering 9 sacks, 2 fumble recoveries, interception, 6 points against, and oh yes, safety too? Not Chad - he still got 45 from the Vikes. Anyone wanna trade this guy for some D (um, like me)? Why start Steve Slaton for 17 when you can start Westbrookinjury.com for 1 or DeAngelo for 3? And finally, let's keep Jamarcus on the bench for 31 and start Big Ben Sackathon for 6. Now way he could have won with these dumb ass moves, right? Hey, he's playing Nalley.

Sit (on my) Johnson
Remember that dude in Cincy named Rudi Johnson? He used to be halfway decent, then he got all cocky and left that team never to be heard from again. Um, check again - he's the star of Heather's bench at 30 points this week. Doh!

Say My Name, Bitch
Just because you can't say his name Scott, doesn't mean you shouldn't start his happy ass. TJ Houzamazilly for 23 chronic flakes on that ass. For another kick in the dick, bench Josh Scobee's 18 in favor of Vinitieri's 3. Sweet.

Championshit
How the fuck can you win 17 straight championships and do dumb shit like leave Johnny Lee Higgins on the bench for 32, when Andre Johnson can muster up just 30 less points? Or start Jay and Silent Bob director Kevin Smith for 1 point instead of collecting Jerious "Don't call me OJ" Norwood's 14?

See, now I feel better - as piss poor as today was, at least I'm not the only one who struggled with making a damn decision this week. Only thing I have going for me - St. Reggie - another 38 this week and LJ actually showed up with 100+ and a TD. Look the fuck out world...