Tha Return

Okay, fuckers. You've dropped 3 straight, and have turned our fantastic 5-1 start into a goddamn mockery - just like a presidential election. Every fuckin player on the team is dead or should be. Saint Reggie still leads the league at RB and the lazy bastard has missed the last 3 weeks. The Hall brothers, Kolby Smith and Maroney - all on IR. Larry Johnson - finally gonna serve that suspension this week after just hanging out the last 3 weeks with his thumb up his ass. I go through running backs like Denver, except than none of mine are any good.

Therefore, like 54% of all Americans apparently, I am getting desperate and am about to do something rash. No, I'm not going to have a half-million man march in Chicago (look, you can't even see the holes in his hands or nothing!), but I am going to get all nostalgic for a better time and revert back to something that made me happy (rosebud). The greatest team in the history of the WWST (at least in my mind, even though they probably blew) - SUPERCOCK.COM. That's right - just like the Rams, all you motherfuckers are playing for your jobs again. I've spent so much on add/drops this year, my payroll looks like the Yankees.' So it's time for you coat-tail riding bastards to put up or shut up. Jamaal Charles - you Texas piece of shit. Better start runnin. I'm sendin' in a couple of hard pipe-hittin Eagles to break fuckin' Brandon Jacobs' legs on first play of Sunday night's game so the world can worship Derrick Ward's dominance the rest of the year. I took a flyer on absolutely nobody - Derek "Dice's Dick" Stanley just cuz I fuckin' felt like it. And why? DESPERATION!

Fuckin chum in the water, that's me. If only I could miracle a win this week (yeah that'll happen when a black man becomes pres... um, nevermind), I could maybe get my shit back together with the possible return of Reggie and cousin Larry next week. Chances? One in a million, Lloyd. So you're sayin' there's a chance...

WWST Game of the Week: The All Mighty Woodson is Back... (5-4) vs. Violent Jay Neck Cutlers (7-2)

This game will determine if Rob's going to sleepwalk into the division title or if he's going to face a serious challenge. This is the first of two matchups within the next 3 weeks between these two teams, and just suppose Mike wins and Chosen miracles a win - that would leave those 3 teams within a game of each other and Rob would have to face each of them the following two weeks. Tough sledding for the team that looked to be the runaway winner this year. But if Rob wins, he puts a serious damper on Mike's hopes of winning the division, dropping him to 3 games back with 3 to go. Don't look now, but fuckin' Mike has ripped off two straight and is looking to make a serious move to not only get into the playoffs, but also to try and win the division outright... Make no mistake, this is not only the Game of the Week, it's the Game of the Year, and for Mike, it might mean his whole season... Commish's pick - Mike's got the misfortune of having most of his team off this week, and what's worse, he has to start his stud RB against his D (unless he add/drops this week or makes a trade). Rob loses Pittman for the year, but just in time for Fast Willie to return to the lineup. Too much Rob in this one I'm afraid. Cutlers 168, Woodson 129.

All Ahead Full... And Punt!

I have this sinking feeling that my FF season will soon be over. It might have been about the time last week that I picked up both Patrick Cobbs, Michael Bush and Kolby Smith off the who-gives-a-fuck wires in the hopes that one of those bastards might be starting last week. End result? Two points combined. For all 3. Fuckin-A! When you're going against the league's #1 team, that just doesn't get the job done.

How can the guy who drafted 4 RB in the first 4 rounds this year not have anyone to start at RB? Well, #1 pick Marshawn Lynch is still plugging away at his 15 points a game like a true champ, but he's hauling a heavy load on his coattails. Round 2 selection Mr. Kim Kardashian is currently on his 17th knee surgery, and I'm just waiting to hear about his staph infection. Selection 3 was Pimp Slap Larry Johnson who's too busy beating down and spitting on bitches to play football, and 4th round selection Laurence Maroney is on the IR. Fan-fucking-tastic. So who is getting a steady dose of Kolby Swiss n Chedda this week?

That would be Bess. Looks like I'm gonna have to try and Pimp Slap her Larry Johnson style with my limp dick of a team. Unlike Larry, I'm going to at least take her out for dinner on Saturday night first...

Playoffs???

Let's take a quick look at the current playoff picture. Barring nuclear holocaust (breathe deeply in the shower, Joel), it looks like Cock-a-roach Rob will survive to take the #1 spot. Chad and Bryan look to be duking it out for 2nd and 3rd seeds. I'm next at 5-3, but I'm looking at an impressive 7 game skid to finish out 5-8 and miss the playoffs by a mile. Mike and Tom would be next in line then at 4-4 to dance into 4th and 5th, and that leaves just one of you four 3-5 douches to claim the last playoff spot. Hmmm, maybe I can sneak into that sixth playoff spot after all if I can just go 3-2 these last 3 weeks. Might be able to do it - combined record of everyone else I have to play not named Rob is 11-21 this year. Who am I kidding? Capn' EJ Smith, out...

In the Beginning

Ahhh, yes, it's my favorite week of the year - the week that I get to face the Dark Lord of the Underworld himself (or as I like to call him, 'Daddy'). This year, it's going to be a key battle - The Dark Lord (aka "That One") is sitting atop the Bad Division at 4-2 and The Chosen One is clinging desperately to the top of the Phuqa Division at 5-1.

I enjoyed immensely that you've started two players against your defense Chad. That may be the only thing I have going for me this week, since 90% of my team is here in the infirmary with me. You've started Big Ben against me, which means I must watch the Steelers game today and try to hope that we score a lot without it being Ben. Invariably, there will be a flurry of "Yes!" with each touchdown, followed quickly by a "Fuck, that's against me!" I also love that we both have such powerhouse WRs - all I can say is thank god return yards count.

In the end, I'm pretty sure Chad will get the best of me - Reggie is hurt and my new hero Steve Breaston (even though he is undoubtedly a Michigan faggot) is off this week, which means my chance of winning will come down solely to my defenses - either the Patriots against Denver (they've scored a whopping 3 fantasy points in their last 2 games against shitty teams like Miami) or the Sex Panthers against run n' shoot masters New Orleans who usually put up about 42 points a game. Great. Nice vic, Chad.

WWST Game of the Week: Guessy Bessie's Beverly Hills Bimbos (1-5) vs. Bullett for My Commissioner (2-4). In the battle of Christ, I Can't Watch, realize first that someone here must win. But who's it gonna be? Looking at these rosters, it's hard to figure out why each team doesn't have at least one or two more wins each. Bess has lost 4 games by 10 points or less, and two of those by just a single point. JEWnior lost four in a row sandwiched between his two victories, and despite scoring just fine himself those weeks, he ran into teams that scored 197, 180 and 201 in three of those weeks. Ouch. Both of these bad luck banditas could be better than they are, but they're not, and for one, the bad luck will continue. Looking at the lineups, I think it comes down to the defenses and QBs - Peyton vs. Brad Johnson and the Giants at home vs the Jets in the Black Hole. Gotta go with Bess on this one.

St. Reggie

Big changes in the WWST after Week 5,and it starts with a new team at the top in our Power Rankings. That team is And Punt, fueled by St. Reggie going dog nuts on Monday Night Football last night to the tune of 73 points en route to our first 200+ point performance in 2008. The win propelled Chosen to the top of the Power Poll, at least temporarily, but as out beat reporter Bootney Lee Farnsworth reports, he may not stay there.

"Chosen's got a tough matchup against the Bald Beaver's this week. This is no walk in the park for the veteran, especially given that his whole motherfucking team is off this week and he'll be starting the B team. Look for And Punt to drop from the top next week." Sure doesn't talk like a pimp, does he?

But Chosen is not the only team in the league, and is certainly not the best - here's some other interesting story lines from the week that was:

Bitchin Bessie - All I know is that Bess came to bed bitching about Bernard Berrian not doing shit for her. That must have motivated him to wake up and do some shit because he caught a TD after that, then paid Bess back for her lack of faith by causing her to lose by 1 to the Moosels.

Lucky Pierre - In the other game too damn close to call, Tom eeked out a win over Nalley by just 2 points behind Pierre Thomas, Devrey Henderson and Viante Shiancoe. Tell me Tom, how many of those fuckers did you DRAFT this year? Waiver wire king, right there.

Please Do Not Repeat This... How far the Champ has fallen! Now down to 2-3 after a 171-109 throttling from Chad. He's also got 2 games against scoring juggernaut Rob and one game against 4-1 Bryan's Bald Beavers left in the schedule. The road looks rough for the champ.

The First Cut is the Deepest - The Violent J Neck Cutlers, who looked all but unbeatable going into Week 5 suffered their first loss this week to the Bald Beavers. Okay, so 90% of his team was off. I gues sthis really isn't much of a story. He'll be back next week to lay waste to Bess.

WWST Game of the Week: And Punt (4-1) vs. Bryan's Bald Beavers (4-1)

At first, this game looks like a proverbial clash of the Titans, with two 4-1 teams vying for league dominance. Upon closer examination, though, you'll quickly find that Chosen's workhorses are in the garage this week (Marshawn, LJ, Miller, Reed). Then you look at Bryan's weak ass shit, and see that he's won two games by only a point, and that no team has scored more than 118 points against him this year (and that team won, by the way). He is scoring kryptonite apparently for his opponents. This will be a low scoring "defensive" battle with the winner barely holding on to keep pace with Rob and the loser starting to slip toward oblivion. Commish's Pick - Bald Beavers 117, And Punt 103

Week 4 Roundup

Head on a Swivel

Hey Anquan Boldin, look the fuck out. In the immortal words of Smokey from Friday, 'You got knocked the fuck out!"

Damn, I thought they were good

Green Bay? Not so much. Too bad Rodgers is a pansy. Dallas? Nah, we'll lay down like bitches for a divisional game at home. Denver? Made another busted ass RB look like a hero. Philly? Not when Westbrook is pussin' out. Jaguars? Well, not too bad, but we'll sure fuck up your parlay if you count on us to cover at home versus an 0-3 team.

My Season is Made

I don't know how the fuck I did it, but somehow I managed to beat Mike this week. It wasn't a Miracle, since St. Reggie only gimped up 3 measley points this week, so it must have been something else. Steve MF Breaston - my hero. Marshawn, big letdown.

Transactions - More Than Meets the Eye

The "Holy Fuck, My Team Sucks" blues are setting in in the WWST - this week has seen a bevy of half-ass motherfuckers scrambling over the scraps of each other in a desperate attempt to try and fashion some scoring out of their trash heap teams. Case in point - not more than 5 minutes after Brian "IR" Westbrook hit the deck during the Steelers game, there were two requests within 3 minutes of each other for Correl Buckhalter. Correll should change his name to Chum.

That fuster cluck was followed by the Rashard Mendenhal and Brian Griese lottery today - three teams laying claim to Captain Fumble-itis ("I got the itis!") with Bess finally winning out on her 1-2 record, and two teams scrapping over Brian "I'm pretty sure I don't have a drinking problem even though I'm a Michigan piece of shit" Griese - again Bess putting her pathetic record on the line to lay claim to another dumpster remnant.

This dance toward desperation looks a lot like Warren Sapp on Dancing With the Stars - a whole lot of ugly trying to look pretty, and just might make it (although I won't be happy until I see the Beyonce dance again). For the benefit of all, here's the rehash on rules for transactions:

1. First 3 transactions are free, after that they're a dollar a piece. The super bowl winner gets all of the proceeds.
2. Friday night at midnight is the last point in time you can get a transaction in for that week. After midnight, the transaction will not be processed until the following week.
3. Transactions are processed as follows: It's pretty much first come, first serve and transactions are processed daily. In the case of two mo's going after the same piece of taint crustie in the same day, the team with the shittier record gets preference (came in Handy for Bess this week). If the teams going after said crustie have the same record, then the person who laid claim to the crustie first would win out. In the extremely unlikely event that the teams would have requested the t-crustie at the exact same time, then the Commish would use the next available tiebreaker, which would be total points for. If THAT were tied, I would just reject both requests and let the mele for the piece of shit ensue until one of the above tiebreakers produced a winner. Trust me, by this time, unless someone dropped LT, you should have given up on this fucker anyway, so what do you care?

That's it, bastards. Live and learn. If this shit's too tough for you, I suggest making a trade for someone who might actually be of value to you. Peace.

Suck-o-tash

Well, ain't that a kick in the jizzers. Could today have sucked any worse? First of all, I have to watch my Steelers offensive line set the bar way way below the St. Louis Rams in terms of untouchable shittitude by giving up 9 (only 9? seriously? I think I could have counted 20) sacks to the Eagles en route to a humiliating 12-6 loss which not only cost me my pride, but also my parlay. There can be no end to the gayness after that, right?

Wrong. How about if the Patriots defense pitches a shutout - on THEMSELVES - by recording a giant goose egg on their way to a 38-13 drubbing by the (WHO?) Dolphins. Yeah, saw that one coming. If only I was David Blaine, I would have known to start the sex Panthers against Minnehaha so I could have collected 19 points instead of my 0 and at least stood a chance against the Brownie ass-whuppin (who by the way was averaging only 91 points a game before this weekend, but who decided to post a 163-piece (and counting) on my ass this week. Thanks for that.

But I'm not the only unfortunate (stupid) one. Lety's examine a few people who'd like to make a Monday morning lineup change...

The Only Good Brown - How could Todd have known that Ronnie Brown would run for 4 TD and throw one on his way to a fantasy owner's dream 62 points this week? As an honorable mention on your own team, consider staring K2 for 1 point instead of Mad T Anthony Faisano for 15. Butta!

Lucky Pierre - Tom claimed Lucky Pierre Thomas off of free agency this week only to leave his backup ass (and his double deuce [no, not that Deuce]) on the bench.

Genesis 4 Says, "I Just Fucked Up" - Who would want the Iggles D and their ass-shattering 9 sacks, 2 fumble recoveries, interception, 6 points against, and oh yes, safety too? Not Chad - he still got 45 from the Vikes. Anyone wanna trade this guy for some D (um, like me)? Why start Steve Slaton for 17 when you can start Westbrookinjury.com for 1 or DeAngelo for 3? And finally, let's keep Jamarcus on the bench for 31 and start Big Ben Sackathon for 6. Now way he could have won with these dumb ass moves, right? Hey, he's playing Nalley.

Sit (on my) Johnson
Remember that dude in Cincy named Rudi Johnson? He used to be halfway decent, then he got all cocky and left that team never to be heard from again. Um, check again - he's the star of Heather's bench at 30 points this week. Doh!

Say My Name, Bitch
Just because you can't say his name Scott, doesn't mean you shouldn't start his happy ass. TJ Houzamazilly for 23 chronic flakes on that ass. For another kick in the dick, bench Josh Scobee's 18 in favor of Vinitieri's 3. Sweet.

Championshit
How the fuck can you win 17 straight championships and do dumb shit like leave Johnny Lee Higgins on the bench for 32, when Andre Johnson can muster up just 30 less points? Or start Jay and Silent Bob director Kevin Smith for 1 point instead of collecting Jerious "Don't call me OJ" Norwood's 14?

See, now I feel better - as piss poor as today was, at least I'm not the only one who struggled with making a damn decision this week. Only thing I have going for me - St. Reggie - another 38 this week and LJ actually showed up with 100+ and a TD. Look the fuck out world...

Possible Names for Joel'sTeam

Jews Newton
He-brew Crew
JEWdas Kiss
JEWmanji
JEWpiter
JEWcy
Big Fuckin Nose
JEWniper Breeze
JEWbilee
Hebe-y Jeebees
Swasticunts

Week 3 in the WWST

Jesus H Christ in a fruit basket, what the fuck is this shit? The WWST is going public with out shennanigans? I mean, it's one thing to keep our obscenity just for us, but to drop it on mainstream America, that is just AFU.

First things first, Chad, this is not a goddamn newsletter, no matter how much you want it to be. I don't have time to write that shit, but I at least can make some commentary on how things are going. Let's take a look at the WWST landscape:

Bad Division
Clearly, Todd is the bad ass in the Bad Division with his 2-0 representin'. Run DMC, AP and now Tim "Don't Call Me Michael Winslow" Hightower fill out his stable of horses plus the Packers D and Drew Brees is back. Look the hell out. JEWnior and Chad - couple of also-rans. Chad has too many fucking Bears on his team to even be a legitimate threat and JEWnior's got Tony Homo Can't Win But Would Like to Suck the Big One. Renaming Joel's team JEWdas Kiss. And then there's my opponent this week, Brownie, who is currently 0-2, but at least he can say, hey, I didn't draft these goddamn losers. Good chance he'll show up to stomp me this week.

Mutha Division
Beavers look good at 2-0 right now, but don't ask me how. Hmmm, who should I start this week - Matt Cassel or Jake Delhomme. I know, I'll start sucking lead if that's my fucking choice. Some of this team might have been good 5 years ago. Tom can put a decent lineup in there week to week, but may start feeling pain in bye weeks when he has to go to the no-name bench. And RBs? Faggeddaboutit - kick returners again. Bess blew up for a buck fitty last week, but not sure that's sustainable week-to-week, however with Pey Pey on the roster, it's usually a spot of 40+ every week (after week 2 and before week 15 that is). And then there's Nalley - 138 points in 2 games. Poor bastard. And he's not even guaranteed to get the #1 pick next year given our new draft rules. Damn.

Phuqa Division
These guys are the warlords, but like the NFC East, will probably end up eating their young. Chosen is 2-0, but combined record of opponents is 1-3 and is playing another 0-2 team this week. Pretenda. Rob looks to be unbeatable and is a legit contender to run the table this year. No way a rash of injuries is gonna fuck all that up. No way. Perennial contender Mike is 1-1, and looks to have a strong team again this year. Just start kicking yourself now people, this fucker could win it all for the 14th straight year. And then there's Scott - Aaron Rodgers is playing lights out and you're still 0-2. It's gonna be a LONG year, brother,

That's what it looks like out there after two weeks. If I had to predict it now, I'd say here are your playoff teams:

Rob - Division winner, at least 11-2, #1 in power poll
Mike - Second in his division, but a formidable opponent
Todd - Great looking team, no less than 9-4
Tom - More lucky shit like Felix Jones' run back will propel him to 8-5
Me - 7-6 gimp, first round fodder
Bryan - Will win division at 6-7, earning new nickname of "Ron Jr."

Yeah, like I can predict this shit. More later